I want to be understood, but I don’t want to be labeled and judged. It’s still a struggle for me to be honest with people about what I deal with every day. However, it’s not easy to abandon your old ways of coping. I can’t do anything without obsessing over every detail so that I can prepare myself for what I might face - always anticipating the worst. Every time my phone rings my heart drops and I go into panic. I can’t work outside the home for more than a few hours every week. I can’t just run to the grocery store for eggs and milk. ![]() This makes seemingly easy tasks feel insurmountable. But what makes life almost impossible to face is the intense anxiety and panic that permeate my mind 24/7. ![]() So how does this make me disabled, you ask? I can walk, run, read, drive, feed myself and do all those things that an able-bodied person can do. I decided that I didn’t want to run anymore - I wanted to be the best partner I could be and I wanted to, as Matt would say, “organize the bones in my closet.” ![]() It wasn’t until meeting the love of my life (Matt is his name) that I finally found the courage and the strength to tackle these demons head-on. I have never known any other way of being except to hide my struggles and keep chugging along. I have suffered all my life with post-traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia, anxiety/panic disorder, anorexia nervosa and depression.
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